An Open Letter to My Wife's Customers

(This is satire, but I’m serious)

Dear customers,

On behalf of my wife and my children, I sincerely thank you for supporting our family business.  My wife enjoys creating these wonderful cookies and while the financial side of the business is certainly necessary, the emotional reaction is equally important.  The ooh’s and ahh’s, the declaration of brilliance and wonderment.  Shrieks of excitement, mutterings of awe…these are all like emotional currency to my wife.  These are direct deposits to her soul.  I think some positive emotional feedback is important to any artist.  And almost to a woman, every female customer gives this currency out and spares non-figurative expense.  While there are varying degrees, it’s almost always there.

This is where I turn the tone of my letter.  There is almost an anti-climactic aura to a customer delivery if I know in advance that “Her husband is picking them up”.  So in other words some guy, who would likely rather be doing something else, is going to spend money out of his pocket, likely to purchase cookies for a party he either doesn’t want to attend, or isn’t allowed to.  So, you can imagine that there will be no squeals of delight when the goods are unveiled.  No pomp and circumstance.  No praise, no hands over the mouth/excited clap reactions.

Gentlemen, I need you to step up your game.  If your wives’ reacted with an “Oh, that’s nice” to you in the bedroom, it wouldn’t go over so well, would it?  So, at your next cookie pickup, if you have to imagine that my wife is handing you a 12-pack, or a pizza or whatever spins your dials, please do.  And ladies, we’ll work with you on your schedule to make sure you are taking delivery, not him.  Perhaps we’ll investigate an “Enthusiasm Surcharge” for when husbands pick up.  $10 maybe. 

So in closing, again, I thank you.  We hope you enjoy the confectionary art work you are receiving.  And we hope you order again.  But remember ladies, if you’re sending your husband to take delivery, have them perk up some.  We’ll all have a better day for it.

Signed,
Mike
The Cookie Widower